Web Animation / Satans Guide To The Bible

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Satan's Guide to the Bible is a 2023 documentary by Zeke Pietstrup, in which Satan takes over a Sunday School session and teaches some kids lesser-known facts about the Bible, which they were unlikely to have learnt from their pastors.

This documentary features Dr. Bart Ehrman and Dr. Hector Avalos, among other biblical scholars.

Satan's Guide to the Bible is available here.

Satan's Guide to the Bible provides these following tropes:

• Arc Words: Jesus brings up the supposed inerrancy of the Bible, and Jen repeatedly uses the word "Inerrant!" to butt against the evidence Satan uses. The short ends with her gleefully saying this as Jesus hits a golf ball into a hole.
• Artistic Licence – History: Discussed by Satan himself.
  • Despite the Biblical narrative, there is no archaeological evidence that the Israelites came from Egypt or were enslaved there for centuries. Instead the evidence points that the Israelites originated in Judea, alongside their neighbors the Canaanites.
  • The Book of Daniel is discussed as being set in the 6th century BCE but was likely written 400 years later during the Hellenic Period, explaining how Daniel's prophecies were so accurate about the period up to the Maccabean revolt in the 160s BCE. In Particular, a number of biblical scholars will argue the final chapters as being penned in 167 BCE as the prophecies become incredibly inaccurate after that point, missing the Maccabean revolt entirely and then going straight into the end of the world in chapter 12.
• Ax-Crazy: The Biblical figure Joshua is depicted as such, complete with an outright demonic voice.
  God: So, Josh, when it comes to mass murder, what's your take?
  Joshua: I WILL LEAVE NOTHING UNDONE.
• Baby Talk: Averted: the literal infant baby is strangely capable of full conversation with all the other characters and no one brings it up.
  Psalm 137:8: -taketh and dash thy little ones against the stones.
  Baby: [Concerned] ...metaphorical, perhaps? "Toss me into the bosom of my stoner mom"?
• Clip-Art Animation: The film is a combination of actual felt cut-outs, digital composition, and archive footage of various real-world interviews, conferences, and sermons.
• Comedic Sociopathy: Since Pastor Mark would lose his health insurance if he disclosed the Bible secrets, the children figure they can hold a bake sale to raise money if his son breaks an arm.
  Satan: Well that is beautiful.
  Baby: And a whole lotta pie.
  Girl with pigtails: Yummy! [Looks menacingly at another child] Get hurt!
• Comically Missing the Point: To drive the point home, God adds a "GTFO" sign to the Promised Land. Betty, not knowing what the "F" stands for, mutters in confusion, "...'flock'?"
  • After the reveal that the book of Daniel was written long after the real Daniel's passing, one of the kids decides they're going to take a crack at writing "Second Daniel."
  "Out of the Midwest will arise a six-time champion. [...] His fame will extend to footwear!"
• Curse Cut Short: When it's revealed that the book of Daniel was written not in 600 BCE as claimed but 400 years later, Jesus blurts out, "What duh fuh?!"
• Descended Creator: Satan is voiced by Tim Johnson, who produced the film.
• Downer Ending: The film ends with all the children but Jen getting sent to Hell, lamenting, "We should've run for the hills."
• God Is Evil: Satan presents this argument through the depictions of violence condoned and committed by God in the Bible.
  • Jesus is portrayed to be manipulative of the children, threatening them with eternal damnation if they disobey. In the end, he makes good on his threats and sends all but one of the children to Hell with a dispassionate "I never knew you."
  • At one point, he openly criticizes a boy singing - ironically enough - "Jesus Loves Me", resulting in instant shame.
• Fire and Brimstone Hell: Though it is never shown, the sound of flames at the very end implies the Hell the children are sent to is this.
• He Knows Too Much: At the end, Jesus sends nearly all the children to Hell because they can't stop picking apart the holes in the Biblical narrative.
• Human Sacrifice: Discussed at one point, both the famous example of Jephthah's daughter from Judges 11 and one of the more disturbing interpretations of verses like Exodus 34:19-20.
• Take That!: A clip is played from a conference regarding Biblical inerrancy in which one of the Evangelical scholars cracks the following joke:
  Dr. Carson: In my view, a rich and sophisticated doctrine of inerrancy is part of biblical fidelity.
  Dr. Witherington: I don’t know a lot of people that have a "sophisticated doctrine of inerrancy"; I live in the South.
  [Audience laughs]
• The Fundamentalist: All of the kids show shades of this, but Jen particularly stands out.
• The Golden Rule: Applauded by Satan as a humanistic moral code that can be universally applied. No book needed.
• The Television Talks Back: The Biblical scholars interviewed for the program are shown in pre-recorded footage at conventions and interviews, but the characters sometimes talk to them as though they are interacting. One moment edits the footage to make it look like an impromptu argument breaks out:
  Dr. Collins: -thinking that archaeology would verify the Bible...but then, y'know, it turned out that it didn't.
  Jen: No, it did!
  Dr. Collins: [Repeating the last word of the previous clip] Didn't.
  Jen: Did!
  Dr. Collins: Didn't.
  Jen: Did!
  Dr. Collins: Didn't.
  Jen: Ugh. Whatever.
  • Jesus also addresses one of the scholars directly in a later scene:
    Dr. Frykeholm: There's that beautiful psalm-
    Jesus: Psalm 137, Mrs. Frykeholm!
    Dr. Frykeholm: Doctor.
    Jesus: Yeah doc, you’re so smart you don’t even know what psalm this is!
    Dr. Frykeholm: [Laughs] I wish I could remember exactly which psalm it is, but it’s the beautiful psalm-
    Jesus: It's Psalm 137!
    Dr. Frykeholm: And at the end of the psalm, they're dashing babies' heads against rocks.
• Hippie Jesus: Downplayed; Jesus talks like one, but does not act like one. Considering he plays golf and claims to have an attorney, he's closer to "Yuppie" Jesus.
• Narcissist: Jesus is depicted here as one.
• Precision F-Strike: There's only one real swear word used throughout, and it's by Satan in the beginning.
  But heed this warning: when it’s revealed I shared the Bible secrets...oh boy, Mommy and Daddy are going to be super pissed.
  • Jesus comes very close to dropping the F-bomb himself, but only says it halfway.
• Run or Die: At the conclusion of the lesson Satan has only four words before he departs: "Run for the hills." The children instead continue to question Jesus's authority, who proceeds to damn them to Hell in response. before the credits play out, we hear the children - and the flames surrounding them - as they lament they should've followed Satan's advice.
• Satan Is Good: Satan is depicted as a benevolent teacher, spilling the lesser known Bible facts that were hidden from the kids by their pastor.
• Snooty Sports: Jesus is constantly called away from his golf game by the secrets Satan reveals to the children, and it's clear he just wants to get back to it as soon as he can.
• Sycophantic Servant: Jen is the most devout of the children, and ends up being this to Jesus after all her friends are sent to Hell.
  Jen: [As Jesus sinks a putt] Inerrant!
• Wham Line:
  Satan: Students, the honor has been all mine. And I leave you now with four crucial words.
  Jesus: Four and go, Satan!
  Satan: ...Run for the hills.
• What Happened to the Mouse?: Satan shows up as a self-proclaimed "substitute" Sunday school teacher, but whatever happened to the actual teacher is never brought up.
• Would Hurt a Child:
  • God's smiting of all of the firstborn children of Egypt in the Book of Exodus.
  • Jephthah's vow in Judges 11 is that he would sacrifice the first person he met when he got home in exchange for victory in battle. It turns out to be his daughter and he's compelled to go through with the vow in the end.
  • The end of Psalm 137 calls for babies to be dashed against stones.
  • Jesus ultimately sends all the children - save for the sycophantic Jen - to Hell for embracing the humanist principles proposed by Satan.