- (Best read in the voice of the kickass Jon St. John, or equally badass Gianni Matragrano.)
Nobody steals our chicks... and lives!
—Me, before I go kicking alien ass.
Hail to the king, baby!
DUN DUN, DUN. DUN DUN, DUN.
The name's Duke Nukem, savior of babes all over the world and ass-kicker of aliens trying to take over Earth.
I started my days of kicking ass all the way back in 1991, saving the world from that bastard Dr. Proton. I'd make an even bigger name for myself once those aliens bastards took over Los Angeles, mutated the LAPD into pig cops, and shot up my ride, and I've been kicking even more ass ever since!
Things went a little quiet after saving LA, besides that one gig I did in New York City. Thankfully, I got back into action in 2011, once again taking on those alien bastards in Las Vegas. It was a cool and fun ride, but apparently, according to some of my fans, I didn't do so hot that time. I pleased some of my amazing fans when Dr. Proton came back, but only so much. Like I said, what kind of shit ending is that? I'm not dead. I'm coming back for more.
Oh, and I had that one weird hangover where I was kicking evil military ass and everyone was calling me Grayson. Not sure how that happened.
It's time to list tropes and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of gum...
- Action Hero: I'm the best parts of every action heroes from 80s and 90s films, and damn do I do a good job when I'm kicking ass.
- Art Evolution: Before 3D, I had a different look, which was embarrassing with the pink shirt and not having my awesome shades
◊. - Berserk Button: Do NOT harm any babes around me! I made sure those alien bastards paid for hurting them!
- Bond One-Liner: I like to drop a few words when I'm done killing something. Some taken from movies, some I made myself.
- Charles Atlas Superpower: I can bench press 600 pounds at the gym! Anything less isn't heavy enough, and even the strongest men that aren't me can do that.
- Chivalrous Pervert: I do like my babes, but I make sure they're safe and away from harm whenever the aliens are around.
- Cigar Chomper: I do like myself a good cigar. Too bad Europe took it away from me on the European cover art for Duke Nukem Forever. Now I look pissed over nothing.
- Cool Shades: 'Never seen without them ever since 3D.
- Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Whenever one of those alien bastards happen to cross me, my promises of retribution tend to be quite creative, and you'd better believe that I will follow through on it. If I tell you that I'm going to rip off your head and shit down your neck, I am going to do it and nothing can stop me.
- Everyone Has Standards: I'll admit, I'm not the most politically-correct person; some call my behavior towards the babes problematic, and called my dislike of anarchists and drug addicts a case of Godwin's Law, but that's where I limit my politically incorrect behavior. I once warned people about some people on UseNet who are racist, homophobic, and are neo-Nazis (as well as anarchists and drug addicts).
- Hell, I ain’t sexist. Just that my excessive forwardness towards women makes it easy to mistake me as a sexist. Guess even the King has flaws.
- Experienced Protagonist: Even before 3D and before my very first adventure, I was already the secret weapon for the CIA.
- Hyperspace Arsenal: I could carry a ton of weapons in 3D... and then they only let me carry two guns in Forever. Thankfully for the PC version, they added a option where I could carry four guns.
- Living Legend: Thanks to my heroics during the alien invasion of LA, I've become a worldwide icon and loved by all. All the babes want me and someone even named their daughter Dukette!
- Narcissist: 'Sure I am. So what if I wrote a book about how awesome I am? And if it sounds like I'm bragging, all I'm doing is reminding others how great I am at what I do. I don't have a life bar; I have a ego bar!
- Not Hyperbole: I once threatened to rip a giant alien's head off and shit down his neck. And I made sure to follow through with that once he was dead.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: I can have a real attitude, and as much as I hate to admit, I can be a little too forward with the babes, but I'll make sure humanity doesn't get its ass handed to them, and make sure that the babes are safe at all costs. Anyone else is of lesser importance to me and I'm proud to admit that.
- One-Man Army: I don't need the EDF to assist me when aliens take over. I can kick ass on my own.
- Out-of-Character Moment: As awesome as I am, I'll admit, the joke I made at the Holsom Twins' expense before they died was tasteless and not like me at all. I can be a dick, but I would normally never treat women like that. Not to mention how them getting kidnapped already pissed me off more than usual. In fact, when someone later made a tasteless joke towards them afterwards, I didn't take it very well.
- Powered Armor: No thanks. Power armor is for pussies!
- Self-Deprecation: Despite my amazing ego, I like to make fun of myself given how long Forever took to get made and released. After 12 fucking years, it should be good!
- Sore Loser: I get pretty damn pissed whenever I fuck up at pool. That damn white ball...
- Testosterone Poisoning: To a T, babe. From my shades to the batshit amount of guns I carry with me, I do everything in only the most badass of ways.
- Took a Level in Jerkass: Some of my fans weren't happy with my ego getting bigger in Forever. I disagree, but I can sorta understand given what I said to the Holsom Twins.
