Airdate: January 29, 2006

Production code: 4ACX-25

During a disastrous night at his high school reunion, Peter shows untapped talent for pushing through people and becomes a member of the Patriots, which doesn't sit well with Tom Brady. Meanwhile, Brian bets on FOX's Celebrity Boxing with Stewie, who won't stop beating him up unless he gets his money.

"Patriot Games" contains examples of:

• Acrofatic: Despite his size and age, Peter is an excellent offensive tackle. Some impressive dance moves, too.
• Adam Westing: Jay Leno guest stars as himself being Tom Brady's stalker.
• Artistic License – Sports: Peter is supposed to be an offensive tackle, which means the play would be blown dead when he tried to advance the ball. Tackles must declare themselves as eligible before being allowed to receive.
• As Himself: With this being a Super Bowl episode, there are plenty of celebrity appearances, many of them providing their own voices, including:
  • Carol Channing, who competes in FOX's Celebrity Boxing
  • Tom Brady, who is prominently featured.
  • Bob Costas does Peter's first interview.
  • Jay Leno harasses Brady.
• Berserk Button: Do NOT back out of a bet with Stewie. He nearly kills Brian twice over it.
  Stewie: Where's my money, man?!
• Big "OMG!": Brian's reaction when he sees Stewie armed with a flamethrower and just about to roast him with it.
• Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: Peter goes on to thank God for getting him on the Patriots and for keeping the Devil at bay, before going on to realize if the Devil wasn't around to keep God busy the latter would probably blow their brains out from sheer boredom.
• Butt-Monkey: Brian loses a $50 bet over an boxing match between an actress and an actual boxer (and he bet on the boxer). Then when he doesn't pay up, he gets beaten to near death twice in a row.
• Cold-Blooded Torture: The price of Brian not paying Stewie back results in the boy ruthlessly beating him into a bloody pulp with his bare hands and any object or weapon nearby. He even pauses a couple times while smacking Brian with a towel rack just to let him scream in agony for a few seconds.
• Dark Horse Victory: Brian's prediction that Mike Tyson will win the boxing match against Carol Channing is proven so wrong.
• Department of Redundancy Department: "At Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru, we have Hyundais and Subarus!"
• Determinator: Carol Channing, no matter how many times she gets knocked down or how badly Tyson beats, will not stay down.
• Disproportionate Retribution: Brian owes Stewie $50 on a bet and doesn't pay in time. In response, Stewie breaks a glass cup against his face, beats him with various blunt implements, and nearly drowns him in the toilet. When Brian fails to pay Stewie on time again, he pushes him down the stairs, shoots him in both kneecaps (notably, he did this after finding out that Brian spent 2.99 on a fake mustache to avoid him), and sets him on fire.
• Double Take: Stewie when Brian tries to fool him with a fake mustache.
  Brian: Mornin'!
  Stewie: Good day to you, sir! ...Hey, wait a minute! What the hell?!
• The Dog Bites Back: Brian wasn't kidding when telling Stewie he'd use his revenge shot, since at the end of the episode, the former makes good on said promise by shoving the latter in front of a bus.
• Entitled Bastard: Even after Stewie attacks Brian mercilessly, the former has the audacity to expect forgiveness from the latter.
• Eye Scream: Stewie breaks a glass cup against Brian's face, causing him to bleed from the eyes.
• Faux Affably Evil: Stewie acts nice and casual to Brian after the bet, slipping in subtle threats into his words while inquiring about the money Brian owes him.
• The Gambling Addict: Betting Freddy took the same wager as Brian.
  Fred Flintstone: BET-BET-BET-BET-BET-BET-BET!!!!! Wait a minute, there's nothing funny about an addiction. Vote NO! on Indian gaming laws.
• Golf Clubbing: As part of Stewie's second beatdown. He beats Brian so hard with it that it's bent up by the time he's done.
• Gone Horribly Right: Stewie feels sorry for beating up Brian and offers him one free revenge shot. This, however, begins to overcome Stewie with paranoia when he doesn't know when exactly Brian is going to hit him.
• Happy Dance: Parodied with Peter's showboating. When he scores a touchdown, he celebrates with a happy musical number.
• Hi, Mom!: During a news interview, Lois says hi to her mom and flips her off.
• Hypocrite: The entire New England Patriots team arranges for Peter to be transferred because of his showboating. However, with the exception of Tom Brady, they all joined in when Peter was having a happy musical number.
• Insane Troll Logic: Peter is proven not to be a cowboy astronaut billionaire because "the hat comes right off".
• Irony: Brian is just getting out of the shower before Stewie kindly asks him about the money he owes him. After beating him into a bloody mess, Stewie throws a towel over Brian's face.
  Stewie: Clean yourself up.
  • Brian says he "fell down the stairs" as an explanation for his injuries. Stewie later chases and pushes him down the stairs for real.
• Jerkass: Seeing him tackled and lying on the ground, Lois remarks she would leave Peter if he was left a vegetable and unable to move.
  Peter: I love you, too, honey.
• Kill It with Fire: Stewie sets Brian on fire with a flamethrower.
• Kitschy Local Commercial: When Peter becomes one of the New England Patriots, he does a local spot for a car dealership complete with monotone reading, eyes following cue-cards, forced football references, and a crappy redundant jingle.
  At Wilkins Hyundai and Subaru
  We have Hyundais and Subarus!
• Knee-capping: Stewie shoots Brian in the knee for paying 2.99 for a fake mustache. And shoots him in the other knee for trying to ask for more time.
• Large Ham: Stewie sure chews the scenery well when he angrily demands money from Brian.
• Laser-Guided Karma: After nearly killing Brian twice on purpose, Brian is allowed one free revenge shot at Stewie, but he doesn't tell Stewie when he's going to use it. Stewie after going mad with paranoia, begins to beat himself up in an attempt to satisfy Brian, it doesn't work. Then at the end of the episode, Stewie has seemingly forgotten about the revenge shot, prompting Brian to push Stewie towards a moving bus.
• Never Trust a Trailer: A promo picture for the episode showed Stewie on a jumbotron screen as if he was attempting to brainwash the spectators. Nothing like that appears here.
• No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: Stewie gives a couple of brutal ones to Brian for failing pay the money he owes him.
  Stewie: WHERE'S MY MONEY?!
• Noodle Incident: Apparently Jay Leno has been harassing Tom Brady with threatening phone calls, for whatever reason; when Peter calls, Brady mistakes Peter for Leno (to Peter's confusion). Leno then calls immediately after and threatens Brady (while holding an axe), which causes Brady to unplug his phone, shut his curtains and hide behind a chair.
• Nothing Personal: In true gangster fashion, Stewie becomes affable and content the instant Brian finally pays up and is genuinely surprised that he holds a grudge over the two brutal beatings he received beforehand.
• Oh, Crap!:
  • Brian has a couple in this episode:
  • The first time when Carol Channing beats Mike Tyson and wins
    Brian: I don't believe this. I just lost a $50 bet.
  • and again during the second beatdown, when he sees Stewie playing golf in the hallway, when Stewie sees through his crappy disguise, and most notably when Stewie pulls out a flamethrower.
    Brian: Stewie! Listen, this is crazy, you got- OH MY GOD!
  • Said by Peter once he realizes what he's gotten himself into with the Silly Nannies.
• One Free Hit: After Stewie's vicious beatings to collect on the bet, Brian is no longer inclined to be friends with Stewie. Eventually, Stewie resorts to offering Brian one free shot as an apology/revenge. Brian accepts, but states that he won't let Stewie know when it's coming, then delights in Stewie's increasing paranoia.
• Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping: Whenever Stewie beats the shit out of Brian, his British accent changes to a tough New York accent. It is unclear whether or not this was intentional.
• Paper-Thin Disguise: Brian tries to get around Stewie by putting on a fake mustache. It works for a few seconds only because Stewie didn't know he was even there until Brian spoke to him, then Stewie viciously beats him again. Plus the fact that he had a fake mustache that he had money to pay for made things worse.
• Parental Hypocrisy: Lois with Meg when both mother and daughter are trying to watch Tom Brady showering through a drilled hole in the wall and Lois shoves her aside.
• The Peeping Tom: Lois and Meg spy on Tom Brady in the shower. Stewie then does the same.
• Pet the Dog: Stewie giving Brian a revenge shot after beating him up to near-death twice. Of course this horribly backfires on him.
• Pistol-Whipping: One of the tactics during Stewie's second beating of Brian. He shoots Brian in both legs and then whips Brian in the face with it six times.
• Pre-Asskicking One-Liner: "Mmm, that's good OJ." Then after drinking the orange juice, Stewie smashes the glass into Brian's eyes.
• Public Domain Soundtrack: The Sillyninnies sing "'Tis twelve, I think", the second song from Act II of the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Sorcerer.
• Punishment Pending: Stewie gives Brian a revenge shot after beating him up repeatedly for not paying back a $50 boxing bet. This leads to Stewie getting paranoid by the thought of not knowing when Brian gets his revenge. Then at the very end of the episode, after Stewie forgets about the revenge shot, Brian pushes him in front of a moving bus.
• Rejected Apology: Stewie offers to "let bygones be bygones" with Brian, who absolutely refuses.
  Brian: You shot me in both knees, then lit me on fire. Piss off.
• Serious Business: "Where's my money, man?!"
  • It was just 50 bucks.
• Shame If Something Happened: Stewie threatens Brian to give him the money from the start, but Brian doesn't notice because of how casually friendly Stewie is acting.
  Stewie: So, uhhhh, you got, uhhhh, you got my money?
  Brian: Huh? Oh yeah, I'll pay you soon.
  Stewie: Yeah, well, um, here's a suggestion, uh... have the money by tomorrow and there won't be any problems!
  Brian: Huh?
  Stewie: Yeah, 24 hours!
  Brian: Why, what- what happens in 24 hours?
  Stewie: Huh? I don't know. I'm not psychic, man. I'm just saying it would probably be better for everybody if you have the money tomorrow.
• Too Dumb to Live: Brian endures beatings, gunshot wounds, and after finally being set on fire, he brings Stewie to the bank. So he apparently had the money the entire time.
  • Brian tries using the paper thin disguise of a moustache to sneak past Stewie in the hallway. It did not work. And putting aside old cartoon tactics, Stewie didn’t even seem to notice Brian walking past him until Brian said “morning” to him in a fake accent.
• Tranquil Fury: Brian, after Stewie got his money. He looks almost as calm as he usually does, but makes it perfectly clear that he's pissed over the beatdowns Stewie gave him.
• Unexplained Recovery: By the time of the second beating, Brian has fully recovered from his injuries from the first. And he's back to normal after the second beating, which involved getting knee-capped and lit on fire.
  Stewie: So Brian, we're even now right? Ready to start a new life in England. I got my money, your wounds have healed up nicely.
• Victory by Endurance: During their boxing match, Carol Channing takes a beating from Mike Tyson, but she just won't go down. Tyson becomes exhausted and collapses, allowing Channing to win by technical knockout.
• Was Just Leaving: Lois drills a hole in Stewie's bedroom wall to peep at Tom Brady in the shower. As she and Meg are shoving each other to claim the spot, Stewie enters and asks what the hell is going on. Lois evades by telling him that she and Meg were just leaving. Curious, he discovers the hole and becomes entranced too.
• Worthy Opponent: Tom Brady gives Peter his respect for facing the entire team alone.
• Wrong Genre Savvy: Brian was clearly relying on old cartoon logic when he tries using a fake mustache to slip past Stewie. Unfortunately, Stewie's not an idiot.
• Would Hurt a Child: Brian at the end of the episode punches Stewie into the front of a moving bus. Given, Stewie did offer him a revenge shot, but still, Stewie did take things pretty far, so it's hard to really feel bad for him.
• You Monster!: At the end of the first beatdown, Brian calls Stewie "You freakin' psychopath!" while gasping for air on the floor.