Tex: You mean you had your baby?
Lem: No, Connie did all the having. I just paced a hole in the damn floor.
Mason: Tell your folks yet?
Lem: No, Mason, we figured we ought to wait till we'd been married nine months.
Lem: No, Connie did all the having. I just paced a hole in the damn floor.
Mason: Tell your folks yet?
Lem: No, Mason, we figured we ought to wait till we'd been married nine months.
—Tex
Got married on my twenty first
Eight months before my wife would give birth
It's easier to be sure you love someone
When her father inquires with the barrel of a gun
— Relient K, Deathbed
Here comes the bride, the groom by her side, feeling very sorry for himself.
He tried to run, but I stopped him with my gun, he's going to marry her, or else.
— Chad Morgan, Shotgun Wedding
Yeah, and your family's got the shotgun ready
I can hear those church bells chime
No, I may not be ready for a wedding, honey
But I know that I ain't ready to die
I can hear those church bells chime
No, I may not be ready for a wedding, honey
But I know that I ain't ready to die
— Kevin Fowler, "Knocked Up"
Ted: Barney, we are not getting married! [...]
Barney: But you two have to get married! Otherwise it's just a cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stand!
Ted: Wait, just to be clear...you're saying you're opposed to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands?note
Barney: But you two have to get married! Otherwise it's just a cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stand!
Ted: Wait, just to be clear...you're saying you're opposed to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands?note
"Ah, hon-ey are you gorgeous, you look just like a virgin. Here, I brought you some crackers for your morning sickness."
— Fran to a woman trying on a wedding dress, The Nanny
Grilka: [giving Quark Klingon wedding ritual costume] Put this on.
Quark: Why?
Grilka: Because if you do not, I will kill you.
— Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "The House of Quark"
John Finnemore: There was a story about an Iranian man who was forced to marry a goat. Because he had already... consummated the marriage, and as punishment he was made to go through a ceremony with the goat.
David Mitchell: To make her an honest goat.
John Finnemore: Exactly, yeah. And for the sake of the kids.
On leave from France, he had come out of a drinking hole in Sackville Street and bumped into a girl. It was dark, he was drunk, she was keen. He awoke next morning to find her in bed with him. He ran screaming from the house, her purse under his arm. He didn't get away with it. Seven weeks later, a giant of a man, seven foot high and smothered in red hair, walked through the door holding her by the hand. The monster lifted O'Toole off the floor and told him to get ready for "marriage or death." He had started to object, whereupon the monster had started to hit him with great bone-crunching knuckles. All he remembered was birds twittering and her shouting "Don't ruin him for the honeymoon, hit him above the waist." Leaving a trail of broken teeth, he was dragged to the altar in the grip of two monsters who looked like kinfolk of Grendel.
— Puckoon
John Crichton: Empress Novia, I understand your problems. But you need to understand: there's nothing you can say that's gonna make me marry your daughter.
[Novia smirks, and a moment later, Crichton freezes in terror as Scorpius appears in the doorway]
Scorpius: Oh hello, Crichton! I have traveled a long, long way just to see you again! [hugs Crichton tightly]
John Crichton: [quietly terrified] I hate to say that you've wasted your time, Scorpy, but you have.
Scorpius: You know that no matter what you think, the rift between us need not be terminal.
John Crichton: Go away, Scorpy. It's over. Find another girlfriend.
Scorpius: Now, don't let her frighten you, John. You make the correct decision.
[He steps away, allowing Novia to whisper in Crichton's ear]
Novia: My daughter, or that abomination. Choose.
"[A] match that had been obtained by the grand old tradition of finding the girl in the boy's bed one evening."
— Lady Chelsted, The King Nobody Wanted
Debra: So it was just the once, and then you got married?
Frank: It was just the once and then we HAD to get married.
Frank: It was just the once and then we HAD to get married.
Beatrice: [dryly] Here's your omelet. [throws the plate onto the table] I'm sorry it's not as good as the omelets your secretary makes, but then you're not married to your secretary, are you?
Butterscotch: [bitterly] Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion, I would be.
Young BoJack: Mommy, can I have an omelet?
Beatrice: You're the birthday boy.
Butterscotch: [bitterly] Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion, I would be.
Young BoJack: Mommy, can I have an omelet?
Beatrice: You're the birthday boy.
Brock Hart: Reba... Barbara Jean and I are getting married.
Reba Hart: What? Oh no. You're not stupid enough to throw away a twenty year marriage over a dental hygienist with two first names.
Brock Hart: We should discuss this later.
Reba Hart: No, we're going to discuss it right now!
Brock Hart: Reba, I have to marry her!
Reba Hart: Oh please! Have to? The only reason you'd have to marry her is if you gone off and—
Brock Hart: (lowers his gaze guiltily)
Reba: Oh my God!
Reba Hart: What? Oh no. You're not stupid enough to throw away a twenty year marriage over a dental hygienist with two first names.
Brock Hart: We should discuss this later.
Reba Hart: No, we're going to discuss it right now!
Brock Hart: Reba, I have to marry her!
Reba Hart: Oh please! Have to? The only reason you'd have to marry her is if you gone off and—
Brock Hart: (lowers his gaze guiltily)
Reba: Oh my God!
— Reba, "Pilot"
Van Montgomery: Be honest, would you have married me if I weren't a huge football star?
Cheyenne Montgomery: Honey, I'm pregnant. I had to marry you. Feel better?
Cheyenne Montgomery: Honey, I'm pregnant. I had to marry you. Feel better?
— Reba
Dorothy Zbornak: I got married before my father finished the sentence.
Rose Nylon: You married your father?
Dorothy Zbornak: My father told Stan that he had to marry me. I was pregnant.
Rose Nylon: You had a blowgun wedding?
Dorothy Zbornak: If you live in the Amazon. In Queens, it's called "shotgun."
Rose Nylon: You married your father?
Dorothy Zbornak: My father told Stan that he had to marry me. I was pregnant.
Rose Nylon: You had a blowgun wedding?
Dorothy Zbornak: If you live in the Amazon. In Queens, it's called "shotgun."
—The Golden Girls, "The Engagement"
Rose Nylon: Maybe that's why [Stanley] left. Because you forced him into it.
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, he left me years later.
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, he left me years later.
—The Golden Girls, "The Engagement"
Dorothy Zbornak: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia Petrillo: Because he knocked you up.
Dorothy Zbornak: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia Petrillo: Because he got you drunk.
Dorothy Zbornak: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia Petrillo: Beats the hell out of me.
Sophia Petrillo: Because he knocked you up.
Dorothy Zbornak: Why did I ever let that happen?
Sophia Petrillo: Because he got you drunk.
Dorothy Zbornak: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia Petrillo: Beats the hell out of me.
—The Golden Girls, "Stan's Return"
Oh how I cried on the night we were wed,
I needed a wife like a hole in the head,
I needed a wife like a neck needs a knife,
I was playing the field, and I got you for life!
I intended no harm when we met at the dance,
I felt you were warm when I took down your pants,
But your paw with a gun caught us right in the bed,
... you're as homely as sin, now I wish I was dead!
I needed a wife like a hole in the head,
I needed a wife like a neck needs a knife,
I was playing the field, and I got you for life!
I intended no harm when we met at the dance,
I felt you were warm when I took down your pants,
But your paw with a gun caught us right in the bed,
... you're as homely as sin, now I wish I was dead!
—Sex to Sexty, No. 17.
Gumball: And do I need to remind you who chose to marry this vegetable in the first place?
Nicole: Well technically, you were the main reason we got married in the first place.
Gumball: What?
Nicole: Oh, I mean- well- you know.
Nicole: Well technically, you were the main reason we got married in the first place.
Gumball: What?
Nicole: Oh, I mean- well- you know.
— The Wonderfully Weird World of Gumball, "The Punishment"