"Tiertex were infamous for releasing very bad ports of arcade games, and you'll never guess what — Street Fighter was no exception. This is the Atari ST version of Street Fighter. Notice that the graphics have been redrawn and now look crap. Notice that it now jerks horribly. Notice that when Ryu does a flying kick, he hovers in the air for a fraction of a second for no discernible reason. Notice the horrible splodges that appear when a character is hit. Notice that I've deliberately left the sound off because there are no sound effects, just a really annoying tune playing the whole time. What you can't notice is that all the special moves have been left out; you'll just have to take my word for that."
"Do I need to explain why the game sucked? It's called Santa Claus Saves the Earth, and it looked like that, for fuck's sake! So, do you know what is even better than that? Oh, I dunno... compressing it, zooming it in, making the controls stiffer, the visuals shittier, the music even more unbearable, the performance worse, and making it portable! Yay."
— Caddicarus, on the GBA port of
Santa Claus Saves the Earth
Santa Claus Saves the Earth"I've alluded to the PS3 version of this game being kind of bad before; it has lengthy load times, which is kinda sad, especially if you're playing Kingdom Hearts II within the same collection. That game runs like ass on a PS3. I'm sorry, but it does. You really are better off playing the PS4 or PS5, uh, release of this, uh, collection, uh, because it's just that bad. Heck, I would probably say you're better off playing on a PS2 than a PS3. It's... genuinely that terrible."
"And now for the Amstrad version. What can I say? Words such as travesty leap to mind. Surely there's some mistake. This isn't the OutRun we know and love. This is something else, something indefinable, something which wants to make you scream and bang your head against the nearest solid object, something you will regret spending your money on."
— Computer + Video Games magazine
"2) Thou shalt make sure your game actually works.
We're ashamed to even have to include this. This is like having to ask McDonald's to cook the burger before they serve it to you, or having to remind your dentist not to videotape himself slapping you in the face with his penis while you're under. It's the sort of thing you'd feel ridiculous saying.
Yet, here we are, telling the game industry to please only sell us games that function."
We're ashamed to even have to include this. This is like having to ask McDonald's to cook the burger before they serve it to you, or having to remind your dentist not to videotape himself slapping you in the face with his penis while you're under. It's the sort of thing you'd feel ridiculous saying.
Yet, here we are, telling the game industry to please only sell us games that function."
"It's kind of like Pac-Man, only with grating sound effects, horrible visuals, clunky-arse gameplay, and a smaller map. So basically, it's... not Pac-Man."
"I hear the Super Nintendo version didn't have a countdown timer, and actually explained the plot a bit better, but like I said, I played the Genesis version as a kid, so here I am!"
— Linkara, "Wolverine: Adamantium Rage"
"Doom, even in 1996, was still a big get, and it was generally thought, due to the 3DO's power and PC-friendly architecture, it would be a slam-dunk port. Randy Scott and his fly-by-night company, Art Data Interactive, scored the license to sell the game on the machine, but unfortunately, they... didn't know the first thing about game development. They commissioned a single person to port the game and gave them six weeks in which to do so. While it's a miracle they even got it into a playable state, uh... 'playable state' is a subjective term here."
"Even though it's the first official version that we got, do not play the PS1 port. Load times are bad and the translation is awful, like making Faris a stereotypical 'yarr' pirate throughout. This is the same version that's available for download on PlayStation 3 and PlayStation 4. Avoid it."
"Let's have a science experiment: Let's take a beloved game that people enjoy all over the world, and extract its soul."
— raocow, on the Game Boy Advance port of Sonic the Hedgehog 1
Shane: If the game was running this bad, why would you release it? Wouldn't you go, "Oh dang, looks like we're having problems optimizing this for the SNES. Shut it down, folks, we done!"
Adam: Yeah, you'd think that, but that's not what happened.
Adam: Yeah, you'd think that, but that's not what happened.
"This is Pac-Man, and this is someone trying their best."
"They did their best adapting this game to the Game Boy Advance hardware. Their best is many's worst."
Hey, did you hear about Cyberpunk?
The Game of the Year, except the versions that are total junk
The publisher said the game was running well
But neglected to mention the years of development hell
Reviewers said this game we'd all adore
But nobody knew about the Xbox One and PS4
You see, it turns out gaming's biggest sensation
Was a fucking load of shit on the systems from last generation
The Game of the Year, except the versions that are total junk
The publisher said the game was running well
But neglected to mention the years of development hell
Reviewers said this game we'd all adore
But nobody knew about the Xbox One and PS4
You see, it turns out gaming's biggest sensation
Was a fucking load of shit on the systems from last generation
"Batman: Arkham Knight deserves a place on this list for the sheer bloody horror show that was the PC version of the game. While running OK on consoles, Arkham Knight's simultaneous PC launch was a disaster. The game ran like shit on an unforgivable number of systems, with skipping and framerate dips that ranged from playable for some to downright unbearable for others. I had one of the better experiences, and it was still fucking atrocious. Absolutely unacceptable from a big-name publisher."
"Due to machine limitations this version may differ from examples in the manual"
— Intro to the ZX Spectrum port of Street Fighter II, and very much an understatement
"They used to say 'any port in a storm'. They've now had to add 'unless it's the Windows port of Arkham Knight, in which case, put on a water-proof hat and take your fucking chances'."
—Zero Punctuation, "Extinction and Attack on Titan 2"