Manager: “Why is [C-Suite Manager] asking me about my department’s numbers? He’s not in charge of my area.”

Secretary: *Pulling up a file with crazy speed.* “I have the notes from the meeting we attended last month. It says that [C-Suite Manager] has taken on a new role and will be overseeing our department’s performance figures until end of quarter.”

Manager: “Do you have all of the meetings noted like that?”

Secretary: “Yes.”

Manager: *Laughs.* “Why, do you have a bad memory or something?”

Secretary: “I take notes not because I have a bad memory, but because you do.”

Manager: “Oh… well… yes, very good. Carry on.”

I hope [Manager] realizes that when you get a secretary like that, you NEVER let them go.

I’m walking through a busy street in central Edinburgh with my mum, and my own two daughters. A guy with a clipboard approaches us, and I think it’s going to be a charity bit. I am wrong.

Clipboard Guy: “Ladies, what are your thoughts on illegal immigration?”

Me: “I’m guessing since you’re out here asking, probably different from yours.”

Clipboard Guy: “So you think it’s a good thing?”

Me: “I think it’s a bad thing that those poor people are so desperate that they’re willing to risk their lives to get on to a boat just to be here and face an uncertain future because it’s always going to be better than what they’re coming from.”

Clipboard Guy: “So you’re okay with immigrant men roaming the same streets as your daughters, are you?”

My mum decides it’s time our family got moving.

Mum: “Okay, bampot. My daughter has said her piece, and so have you. Let’s get moving. Be quiet now.”

Clipboard Guy: “Don’t go crying to the police for help when they’ve all been replaced by Muslims!”

Mum: “I see God gave you two ears and one mouth, and you’ve decided that’s a ratio to ignore. I said we’re going, and I said be… quiet!”

We proceeded with our shopping trip, with Clipboard Guy (at a loss for words) left behind us.

Related:
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 11
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 10
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 9
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 8
Never Pick A Fight With An Old Scottish Woman, Part 7

Gas is $3.9499 at the time of this story. A customer pumps $3.94’s worth of gas and comes over to me, rather irate.

Customer: “Your prices are wrong; I’m going to call the BBB and get you shut down!”

Me: “No, it’s $3.94 and 99/100 pennies. Also, you pumped 0.999 gallons, which is technically a gallon.”

Customer: “No, 1.0 is a gallon! I will get this place shut down within a week!”

Me: “Please do! I can’t stand working here anymore, what with all the mathematically-challenged customers and the crazy hours. It will actually inspire me to follow my dreams and write the next great American novel! Let me know your name so I can thank you in the acknowledgements!”

The customer left confused, with no comebacks. Works 99/100 times!

A customer has come in ten minutes before we close.

Customer: “I want [decent-sized print job]. I’ll need it done immediately.”

Me: “No can do, I’m afraid. We close in ten minutes, and I have several other jobs I need to complete tonight for collections first thing tomorrow. I can take the order now and have it done by tomorrow afternoon.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not a very good service.”

Me: “That’s your opinion. Unfortunately, it’s the only possible service.”

Customer: “But I’m in here all the time!”

Me: “Awesome! Me too! That’s still gonna be tomorrow afternoon. You now have nine minutes to decide.”

The customer grumbled, but accepted his fate.

One of my managers is a big fan of “friendly reminder” emails. Sometimes they are important, but most of them are petty things that could be addressed privately… or not at all.

I work on several different projects, so I am pretty diligent about using the related project name in the email subject line to keep things in order. Let’s say his project is called “Alpha.” I sent an email with the subject line “Project Alpha Weekly Meeting” to ask everyone to update their notes for the meeting the next day.

A few minutes later, [Manager] sent his own email to the entire team:

Manager’s Email: “Hello team. Friendly reminder to properly identify your emails with “Alpha Project” in the subject line to avoid confusion.”

I was trying to decide how I felt about his email when my coworker sent a reply:

Coworker’s Reply: “Hi, [Manager]. Which project is this about? The subject line just says, ‘Friendly Reminder’.”

Four people laughed out loud at the same time. [Manager] did not reply, nor did he bring up my horrible mistake in the next meeting.